Understanding Conflict in Relationships: Can We Ever Be Free from It?

Conflict often arises in our relationships — not just through open arguments but through subtle friction, misunderstandings, and unspoken resentment. Occasional disagreements may be natural, even healthy — but the deeper, recurring conflicts that burden our lives deserve closer attention. Why do they persist despite our best intentions? Can we ever be free from them? Yet, while many of us focus on resolving conflicts externally — through communication techniques, compromise, or “tolerance” — the deeper roots of these conflicts often go unnoticed. Understanding these hidden causes can reveal why conflict repeats itself and how true freedom from it is possible.

Seeing Through the Lens of the Self

Imagine looking at the world through a pair of colored sunglasses. Everything you see is slightly tinted, not quite true to reality. Similarly, when we view others through the lens of knowledge, beliefs, and ideals, our perception becomes filtered and partial. We see what we expect, what we consider right or wrong, good or bad, rather than what is actually there. This limited perception makes it difficult to truly understand another person’s needs, intentions, or feelings.

For example, a partner may come home quiet after a stressful day. One might interpret this as coldness or disinterest, while in reality, the partner is simply drained. Because our observations are filtered through our expectations and “rules” for behavior, misunderstandings easily multiply, and we create the image of “you”. When both individuals are primarily focused on themselves, genuine connection becomes challenging, and conflict naturally arises.

The Image of ‘You’

Beyond these tinted perceptions, the ego-centered self — the “I” — constructs mental images of others. This “I” is shaped by our ideals, morals, ideologies, and what we consider right, creating a corresponding image of “you.” Importantly, this image is not the real person but our judgments and opinions of others based on our expectations, past experiences, and ideals.

Consider a colleague who misses a deadline. If we hold onto the image of them as “careless” or “unreliable,” we begin measuring every action against that label. We stop observing the person as they are in the present and instead react based on the image in our minds. Conflict, then, is not truly about the behavior itself but our judgment of others caused by the image that we already hold.

How Conflict Emerges

This pattern extends across all relationships — partners, friends, colleagues, or family. Each person seeks validation of their own image of what is “good,” their ideals, and ideologies. Yet they may not receive the validation they seek — instead meeting condemnation or resistance, which gives rise to conflict. In this mutual resistance, conflict takes root.

The more our internal images differ — shaped by beliefs, values, and past experiences — the wider the psychological distance between people, and the more frequent the misunderstandings and tension. In essence, the root of much conflict lies not in others’ actions but in the images we carry of them.

Ideals, Knowledge, and Beliefs

Knowledge is essential in life. It keeps us safe, helps us stay healthy, and allows us to navigate the world effectively. But when knowledge, ideals, or beliefs dominate our perception of others, they become a source of conflict.

Take tolerance, for instance. Many self-help guides emphasize “cultivating tolerance” for people who think or act differently. But the need for tolerance only arises when we are in conflict with another person. In other words, tolerance merely patches over the deeper issue — our conditioning and attachment to ideals. Similarly, beliefs about what is “right” or “wrong” can create conflict between partners, friends, or even nations. A person may believe in strict discipline, while another values freedom and flexibility — their interaction becomes a constant negotiation, often fraught with tension.

Even well-meaning guidance can be clouded by our own ideals. For example, a parent may push a child toward a particular career path, not out of understanding what the child truly enjoys, but to fulfill their own expectations or ideals. The conflict is not about the career itself, but about the friction between the parent’s ideals and the child’s own aspirations.

Freedom from the Cycle

The good news is that conflict is not inevitable. The root cause — the ego-centered self, conditioned thinking, and rigid ideals — can be transcended. Once we see that the self — the ego — is the root cause of conflict, it becomes clear that there can be no freedom from conflict as long as the self remains. Seeing this deeply is the beginning of true freedom.

This doesn’t mean ignoring past experiences or being naive. Certain images, such as recognizing a potentially dangerous person, are necessary for our safety. But when observation is free from rigid ideals, morals, or biases, we can discern when behavior is a temporary response to stress, fatigue, or other burdens. Using intelligence and awareness, we can respond to behavior thoughtfully, without being trapped by old labels or rigid ideals. For example, if a partner is irritable, instead of thinking “they are always like this,” we can consider the context: lack of sleep, stress, or other temporary factors. Responding in the present moment rather than reacting through a stored image reduces conflict significantly.

Freedom from the self also allows for spontaneous, intelligent action. Spontaneity here does not mean impulsivity; it means acting without being controlled by rigid beliefs or accumulated knowledge, while still using discernment. In such a state, relationships become living, evolving connections rather than a series of reactions based on past judgments or ideals.

Love Beyond Tolerance

Tolerance is often presented as the solution to conflict. Yet, true resolution comes not from tolerating differences but from understanding them deeply. When we understand ourselves and our conditioning, we understand others. Love, compassion, and genuine awareness replace the need for tolerance.

For instance, a friend may hold beliefs that prevent them from connecting with others. Understanding the roots of those beliefs — upbringing, experiences, and fears — allows us to relate without judgment. If the friend’s attachment to their ideals or ideologies is so strong that discussing them would lead to confrontation, staying quiet may be the wiser choice. But if they are open to listening, gently pointing out their misunderstandings — even if it causes temporary hurt — may ultimately help them live more peacefully and relate more harmoniously with others. Conflict diminishes not because we merely tolerate differences but because we truly comprehend and connect.

The Wider Implications

The same dynamics that create conflict in personal relationships also operate on larger scales — communities, societies, and nations. Ideologies, rigid beliefs, and the insistence on the “right way” can divide groups, escalate disagreements, and even lead to violence. At every level, freedom from ego-centered thinking — and the presence of love and deep observation — reduces conflict.

In short, conflict arises when the self and its accumulated knowledge dominate perception and action. Conflict ceases when observation is whole, responsive, and free from rigid ideals.

Breaking the Cycle

Conflict in relationships is rarely about what it seems on the surface. It stems from distorted perception, rigid ideals, and the images we form of others. True resolution requires awareness of these inner patterns, freedom from the ego-centered self, and compassionate observation of others as they are.

By understanding the root cause of conflict, we can break the repetitive cycle: reducing misunderstandings, bridging psychological distance, and fostering genuine connection. In this way, relationships cease to be battlefields of competing ideals and become spaces of understanding, spontaneity, and love.

Those wishing to explore this subject more deeply may find the chapter Relationship especially insightful, as it delves into the root of conflict and the subtle ways in which the “self” sustains it. The earlier chapter Self-Knowledge further clarifies what is meant by the “self.” The full book is available to read for free on this website and may be best understood if read in its natural order.