What Prevents Love in Relationships — and Can We Discover True Love?
Feeling of Love: Beyond Words and Ideas
Love is one of those things that seems larger than words can hold. We often try to define it, label it, or fit it into rules, but in reality, love is a living movement — fluid, vast, and constantly changing. When we name love or describe it, we are only pointing to a small fragment of it, a single color in a much larger spectrum. And yet, most of us spend our lives chasing these fragments, thinking we understand what love is.
We hold ideas of love from movies, books, religion, or culture. We form rules in relationships: who should do what, how love should be expressed, and what counts as “right” love. But when love is confined to ideas, rules, or personal desires, it is no longer the full movement of love — it becomes something much smaller, something that is no longer living, and something that, in truth, ceases to be love.
Love vs. Desire and Attachment
True love is not the same as desire or pleasure. When we are in love, there is naturally desire and a sense of pleasure in communion with the beloved. However, if I say that my desire or my feeling of pleasure is love itself, then I begin to give it undue importance. Ultimately, this leads to attachment and the fear of losing — and that fear destroys love. Because then, only my desire and my sense of pleasure matter, and I no longer care about anything else, not even the other person’s feelings.
Desire and pleasure are fragments of love, but a fragment is not the whole. When we give importance to the fragment alone, the connection with the whole is lost, because the fragment is all that matters. For instance, a relationship based solely on my desire may be deeply disturbing to the other person — but this is what happens when we give importance to only one part of love. The movement becomes confined to a narrow field, and the responsibility and care that naturally come with love are almost lost.
Consider fanatical movements such as nationalism, political ideologies, or religious fervor. People fight, kill, or die for them, convinced it is “love” for their country, their religion, or their idea. Yet this is not love; it is passion directed by things of the mind, limited to a fragment, blind to the vast movement of care and connection that true love entails.
Movies, books, and even religious texts often tell us how love should look or behave. These shape our expectations, creating rules that we then project onto others. In a relationship, this can become a silent contest: each person tries to shape the other according to their idea of love. What results is rarely love; it is driven by conditioning, ego, and desire — and in the process, it overlooks the vast and simple beauty of love itself.
When I try to become loving, I am already divided within myself. The very attempt to ‘cultivate’ love means I do not actually feel love in that moment. I am acting from an image — an idea of what I should be — and therefore moving away from what is. Yet this movement away from “what is” is, in a subtle sense, still a continuation of “what is” in a modified form. Readers wishing to explore this more deeply may find the chapter on Non-Duality especially insightful. I may say to myself, ‘I must be kind,’ ‘I must be forgiving,’ ‘I must love my partner more.’ But this effort only strengthens the self — the ‘I’ that wants to achieve something. There is a conflict in the mind between what I am and what I should be. And love cannot exist where this conflict operates or where sensitivity is lost by giving importance to just one thing that I consider right. To discover love, then, is not to pursue an ideal but to see clearly what prevents it — and in that seeing, those barriers fall away naturally.
Sensitivity and Connection in Relationships
True love is inseparable from sensitivity — the kind of awareness that allows us to see, feel, and respond to the needs of another without filtering them through our desires or expectations. Sensitivity is not merely an emotional reaction; it is a state of full attention — physical, mental, and emotional — that arises when the self and its compulsions recede.
When two people interact from this space, the usual psychological distance created by “me” and “you” disappears. There is no longer a rigid separation created by personal needs, wants, or judgments. In this shared space, love manifests naturally — not as an effort to please or control, but as a natural phenomenon where there is genuine care and affection for each other.
In daily life, this sensitivity can show in simple moments: noticing that your partner is quieter than usual and asking if they want to talk, sensing that a friend needs support before they even ask for it, or feeling the discomfort of a loved one and adjusting your actions accordingly. Such attentiveness does not require instructions or formulas — it emerges spontaneously from genuine awareness.
Sensitivity also demands care for oneself. A mind and body burdened with fatigue, indulgence, or poor health cannot perceive the subtle needs of others. Maintaining a balanced lifestyle — proper rest, nutrition, and movement — is not just self-care; it is a foundation for genuine awareness.
Moreover, the mind must be sensitive and alert — which is only possible when it is not tied to unnecessary ideals and philosophies, but is free to look and understand directly. Physical and psychological sensitivity are deeply connected; they influence and shape one another. When the body becomes dull, the mind loses alertness, and when the mind is bound by formulas or rigid ideas, it affects the body’s vitality and responsiveness.
Relationships are dynamic. They involve constant adjustments, recognition of needs, and mutual consideration. True love does not rely on reciprocity or transactional benefit; it is expressed in every gesture, every small act of care — not as a means to gain, but as a natural expression of affection. When love and sensitivity are present, there is no rigid expectation that the other must behave in a certain way, because that immense feeling has no cause and does not depend upon expectations or wants, and nor has it anything to do with control or possession.
Even when challenges arise — misunderstandings or conflicts — sensitivity allows for clarity. It enables individuals to respond with care rather than habitual patterns. In this space, mistakes can be acknowledged, apologies offered sincerely, and adjustments made naturally, all without threatening the bond of love.
Yet sometimes, one partner may not share this sensitivity. Then love expresses itself through patience and clarity — but it cannot force change. If understanding does not awaken in the other, love may also mean stepping away without resentment.
When there is freedom from conditioning and the burden of the self, there is naturally sensitivity — and where there is sensitivity, there is love. They are not separate movements but one unfolding of intelligence in which there is freedom, sensitivity, and love.
Freedom and Love
Love can only exist in freedom. When there is dependence, fear, or the desire to possess, the mind is no longer open to see the other as they are — it only sees through the distortions of its own ideas, emotions, and insecurities. Freedom in relationship does not mean emotional detachment or indifference; it means that both individuals are inwardly free from the psychological insecurities that seek to use or depend on the other for comfort, and are therefore able to see, care, and grow together in truth. Yet love’s freedom is not the license to do whatever one pleases; it arises from being inwardly free of insecurity and dependence — and therefore from the need to control another. It carries within it its own order, care, and responsibility.
In that freedom, both individuals move together without becoming each other’s shadow. There is companionship, not dependency; closeness, not confinement. Each remains whole within themselves, yet profoundly connected. When there is true love, the ideals, morals, and philosophies become unnecessary, because the heart is full of compassion — and compassion has its own intelligence.
The Discovery of True Love
Love cannot be pursued, cultivated, or contained. It flows naturally when the mind is quiet and unbound by desires, fears, or conclusions. In that stillness, love, care, and intelligence flower naturally, needing no direction. True love is not found through effort or ideals — it reveals itself when the self, with all its demands, is absent. Then love is no longer “mine” or “yours”; it simply is — a vast, living movement that cannot be fully described. Such love is not limited to human relationship; it naturally extends to all living beings — to the beauty of the earth, the sea and sky, and equally to the pain and suffering that exist in the world. It feels the whole movement of life as one.
Those wishing to explore this subject more deeply may find the chapter on Relationship especially insightful, as it looks at what love is not, what prevents love, and whether we can have a true connection. The earlier chapter on Self-Knowledge further clarifies what is meant by the “self,” and the chapter on Non-Duality expands on the underlying awareness in which love naturally unfolds. The full book is available to read for free on this website and may be best understood if read in its natural order.
