Dependence on people and things may arise out of a physical need or a psychological need. A physical need is an actual need for a normal living body, depending on the situation and circumstances. Food, clothes, shelter and sex are some of the examples of the actual needs of a living person. A person may need someone to cook for him if he is too old or weak. This is also a natural need. The cause of physical dependence on a person or thing is always a natural biological urge or a physical necessity. If a person depends on the tailor for clothes, then it is because it is necessary to wear clothes while living in society. Perhaps it is more convenient or even necessary to get clothes stitched by an expert for various reasons. Similarly, if one needs a doctor’s help for treating his ill body, it is because he wants to be cured and get healthy.

We are all dependent on others for our physical needs. There is dependence on the employer for money, which is necessary to buy essential things. We depend on the mechanic to maintain and repair our car. When there is dependence on a person or thing, there is also the fear of losing the person or the fear of not getting the physical needs satisfied. When one is very young, then he or she depends on parents for food and other necessities of life. A child is perhaps a bit more dependent on parents or the guardian for the fulfilment of physical needs. But the young mind of the child is generally not worried about the faraway future. However, when we grow up, fear, insecurity and the need for planning emerge.

One can generally deal with physical dependence. Now, physical dependence is not so binding because either the need is satisfied or we can find another way of satisfying the physical need. We may even be able to live without the need, especially if it is not immediate. A person may need a cook to prepare food or an assistant to take care of him. But if the cook or assistant leaves, then he can find someone else to do the tasks. So, the fear that may arise from physical dependence does not necessitate possessiveness, because the dependence is not so binding. But if the dependence is too binding, then the fear of losing the person on which one is dependent is very high. This leads to possessiveness and causes various unnecessary problems.

Clinging to Memories, Running After Things

A psychological need is not an actual need but a need created by the mind, which wants to attain happiness by acquiring various things that are not needed to satisfy any biological urge. Sometimes, the mind thinks of wonderful sensations or good times from the past and runs after things that gave delight in the past but have no purpose or use now. Then it is merely trying to satisfy a psychological need. It is natural to have memories of the past, but problems occur when we want the previous experiences to be repeated. The mind lives in the illusion that repeating occurrences that gave delight in the past would give us the same sensations. There is conditioning by the society, which also makes us run after things that have no purpose in our lives. Yet we nurture the hope that acquiring them will bring happiness. Loneliness in relationships or daily life often forces a person to run after money, property, fame and political position. People crave unnecessary things, though they may have no actual utility or purpose in their lives.

It is healthy to be sensitive to the beauty of nature or the smile of a person and feel delight. These sensations are natural. It shows that our senses are alive. But very often, a sensitive person starts depending on these sensations and wants them to repeat. This is a futile exercise. However, this does not mean that we should become insensitive towards nature. It also does not mean we should stop enjoying the beauty around us. But it is necessary to free ourselves from the problem of dependence. The question that arises here is this: can we free ourselves from the problem of dependence while still being sensitive? The problem of dependence cannot be resolved by making an effort to free ourselves from it. The answer lies in understanding the whole problem. Then there is freedom from it. The problem of dependence leads to various other problems such as attachment, anxiety and possessiveness. The cause of psychological dependence on a person or thing is not a biological urge or a demand of the organism. The cause is loneliness, which again has a cause. The problems are connected to each other. So, only when we see the problem as a whole and understand its root cause, is there freedom from the problem.

Cause of Loneliness

To free ourselves from the problems of psychological dependence and loneliness, it is necessary to discover the cause of loneliness. Loneliness arises when the mind gives predominant importance to one thing and eventually isolates itself from other things. Whenever we compare our possessions, such as car and house, with that of others, who have a bigger or better car or house, this gives us a feeling of deficiency or emptiness. We feel that we are nobody. This feeling makes us want to achieve things that may have no use for us. The problem starts when we run after things for recognition and fame, because, in doing so, our mind gets caught in the pursuit of goals that have no end. Therefore, our action gets a bit limited. Now, when we have too much to achieve in a certain field, then most of our time is spent doing things within that particular area. We start ignoring our relationship with so many important things in life. Eventually, we lose the relationship and end up in isolation and loneliness.

The pursuit of the psychological needs on which the mind is dependent cannot fill this loneliness. In fact, it increases the loneliness. Thus, there is no freedom from dependence. Gradually, the dependence increases. The occupation with the object of dependence temporarily frees the mind from the problem of loneliness. But the occupation slowly strengthens the loneliness because it is causing isolation. When the loneliness is ever increasing and the dependence too is increasing, then the object of dependence becomes extremely important. Therefore, the psychological dependence becomes very binding on the mind. Also, the fear of losing the thing on which we are so badly dependent grows. This necessitates possessiveness and leads to various other problems.

There is no end to our psychological goals because loneliness can never be filled. There is no lasting satisfaction even when we achieve a certain goal. Our mind wants more and more. Secondly, we have acquired various morals, values and goals from society. We keep comparing ourselves with others in terms of these values and achievements. So, when we find that we have little compared to others, we want to achieve more. In doing so, our life gets reduced to a mere fragment, to which the mind gives importance. There is an unnecessary struggle and effort in this process. Instead of enjoying life, which is a vast movement, our living gets reduced to a particular field or fragment. Thus, the connection with the whole is lost. So, this lack of relationship with other things leads to isolation and loneliness. And the relationship with the one thing becomes a relationship of dependence. There is dependence on this one thing because there is no connection with other things. This causes extreme attachment, so much that if the thing is taken away from us, we experience complete emptiness or loneliness.

Connection with the Whole

The physical goals that arise out of a biological urge, a use or purpose do not become a hindrance. They are necessary for our living. Once they are satisfied, the mind does not run after them continuously. In pursuing physical needs, the connection with the whole is intact. This is because, once the biological need is satisfied, then there is no continuous activity within that particular field, until there is an urge for food, clothes and so on again. So, once these needs are satisfied, we may get involved with other things, depending on what we feel like doing at that time or what the situation demands. Therefore, the connection with the whole is not lost. There is a possibility that it may take some time (or even years) to accomplish a physical goal, like buying a house or car. But this does not mean that the connection with the whole is lost during that period, because we could still be sensitive towards our other needs and the things around us.

Physical needs and psychological needs flow into each other. Therefore, it would be worthwhile to discuss the differences that exist. Now, whether it is a physical need or a psychological need, the objects of desire stays the same because one needs a person, property or position to cover both kinds of needs. However, the difference is that the physical need is related to our survival or well-being. The psychological need has nothing to do with survival and well-being; it only covers our loneliness and satisfies the ego. One may need a house for living, which is a natural desire. He or she may even need two houses for various reasons and this can also be considered a natural desire. But if there is a need for several houses just for recognition and fame, then it is purely a psychological need.

Although a certain need might be physiological, the dependence could still be psychological. The dependence on a particular person or thing is a psychological dependence if our need can be fulfilled by another person or thing, but we are dependent and attached to a particular thing or person and want to fulfil our need only through this person or thing. For instance, we could be attached to a house or a chauffeur. We may want to live only in a particular house or want only a particular person to drive our car. Then, this is psychological dependence. However, this does not mean that we should not fulfil our needs with the help of a particular thing or person that we like. But dependence on the same thing or person has to be questioned.

A Note on Emotional Dependence

What we often call “emotional dependence” is, in reality, psychological. A passing memory or wave of emotion is natural and harmless—it does not create dependence. The problem arises when we pursue that memory or feeling in an attempt to fill an inner gap. It is this pursuit that binds us, setting in motion the familiar cycle: loneliness, dependence, attachment, possessiveness, and ultimately, back to loneliness. The memory may remain, and the emotion may arise, but without the pursuit, the self is not yet active, and there is no bondage.

If you want to take up an exercise to find out whether your particular dependence on various things is physical or psychological, then a few things might be worth looking at. We all depend on various people and things. It might be worth looking at some of the binding dependencies that we have. A physical dependence can be very binding too. For example, a person may be dependent on a particular doctor who is the only expert for his particular ailment. It may be very hard to imagine life without this person. But one has to question the nature of dependence and figure out if there is another person who is equally good. Another question one can think about is whether one always wants a particular thing or a person to fulfil his or her needs. Again, a certain thing may be always needed for a healthy life or survival. A person suffering from asthma may need an inhaler for survival and easy living. Even if there are alternatives available, one may want a particular thing that he or she likes the most, without being dependent on it psychologically. But one can question the nature of dependence if the thing one was dependent on has become obsolete.

So, if one is possessive of something even if there are alternatives or feels forever lonely after losing something that is not so important for physical well-being, then perhaps this indicates psychological dependence. Also, when a thing becomes so important that we lose our care for others and do not bother about anything around us, then it may be a strong indication of some psychological dependence. Although there are various obvious signs of psychological dependence, it may be very difficult to say with certainty that these are signs of psychological dependence. So, one has to look at his dependence from various angles and find out whether the dependence is natural or psychological.

Now, a physical need may be our personal need or someone else’s physical need. When we want to help others, then it is not a psychological desire, even though it is not our personal need. When we feel compassion or love for someone and want to do something for that person, then that is an actual need. It is not the need of our mind, unless our love is for an idea or we are doing something just for fame and recognition. The flame of compassion creates its own intelligence, and we may use our mind or knowledge to decide what to do. So, mind or knowledge is not the problem. Only when a particular knowledge becomes authority, based on which we make decisions and act, then the goal dictated by this knowledge is psychological.

Perils of Possessiveness

If we do not free ourselves from the problem of psychological dependence, then there is an attachment to the object of dependence, which may be money, property or another person. This attachment leads to possessiveness. When we become possessive of a person, then it binds the freedom of the individual, who is constantly being used and exploited by us. When the person whose freedom is restricted tries to run away or escape from this life of bondage, then he or she is condemned to be a ‘deceiver.’ And the person who is possessive is called a ‘true lover.’

But the truth is that the possessive person wants to make himself happy. What matters to him the most is his own self-interest. This is the cause of misery in the relationship, both for himself and the other person. The person who escapes from the life of bondage is only trying to protect himself from unnecessary trouble and conflict. Therefore, in a relationship, the person who is possessive has no love for the other, because he takes away the freedom of the other person and makes that person’s life miserable for his own self-interest. True love allows freedom in relationships — it does not bind or possess, but gives space for each person to grow and flourish. The act of possessiveness not only causes irritation, disturbance, discomfort and misery to the person who is being used but also destroys any love in that person and forces the person to move away from the relationship.

When there is a feeling of love, then this love is for everyone. Though one may love someone in particular, it does not mean he or she does not have love for others. However, a person who loves just one individual and is insensitive to everybody else is merely attached to that individual. This attachment may give him a sense of passion, but it has nothing to do with love. When a person is in love with somebody, then this does not mean that he cannot love another person. Love has no boundaries. When we have defined boundaries, then it is not love. It is something of the mind that is dependent, devoted and attached to a person or property. A person may be passionate or have love for something like architecture, designing buildings, playing cricket and so on. This is good, but if he wants to be at the top, then there is isolation and loneliness, which leads to dependence and attachment to one thing or the other.

Freedom from attachment does not mean that we should become detached and indifferent or isolate ourselves from others. Moreover, when we cultivate detachment, there is no freedom from the problem of attachment. We are still attached to detachment. When detachment becomes our goal, then we are caught in a conflict of opposites. There is a constant effort in trying to be detached and resisting attachment. However, what is necessary is a different kind of passion in which there is intensity but it must not be merely fixed on one thing. This kind of passion does not cause loneliness, psychological dependence or attachment. When one acts from the whole, then there is no authority of any concept or formula. Although one may be highly active and intense within a particular field, the intensity is not fixed at one point. But if one acts from the authority of knowledge, towards a fixed goal, then he is acting within a particular field to which he gets attached.

The root cause of all these psychological problems is the self or accumulated knowledge. This reduces the activity to a particular field, causing loneliness. This then leads to dependence, attachment, possessiveness and anxiety. Such behaviors are among the key signs of unhealthy relationships, which prevent genuine connection and growth between individuals. In seeing the root cause, the self disappears, and there is freedom from all problems. However, any effort to free ourselves from the self is still an action of the self or the continuation of the self. As long as the self remains, there is no freedom from problems.

Freedom from Problems

However, most people do not look at the problems. They just want to escape from them. And when they get bored with a particular escape route, they look for some other diversion. If all their escape options are taken away from them, they feel very lonely. There are people who devote their life to a particular person and become dependent on that person. If this person leaves them or breaks up with them, then they feel very lonely. There are various escape routes that may give some temporary relief from the feeling of loneliness. For instance, one can become religious, hold on to some belief, get involved in some spiritual activity or turn to politics. These things may give some temporary relief and one may feel that he has found the right calling, but they do not help in overcoming loneliness. He may claim to very happy, but the dependence on these things only causes further loneliness. A person who is dependent on beliefs or political position feels terribly lonely when the object of dependence is questioned, threatened or taken away from him.

One may also turn to drinks or drugs, which may make sensory organs, such as eyes or ears, very active. One may feel heightened sensitivity in a certain direction or towards a particular thing. But the moment its effects are over, there is loneliness. Perhaps the only notable difference between dependence on a person and dependence on a drug is that the person can leave us anytime and then we are left with our loneliness. It might be somewhat easier to find a drug and keep it with us.

Trapped!

It is important to understand the problems of loneliness, dependence and attachment and not look for various escape routes. What prevents enquiry is attachment itself, because we do not want to leave the thing that we are attached to. If we hold on to a belief or thing, then we do not want to question it, because it gives us some sort of security. Our enquiry may give the understanding that the thing we are attached to is worthless or completely useless. So we avoid questioning it.

Writers, artists, sportspersons, and various other professionals get trapped within the limits of their field because they want to be above everyone else in their field. A lot of people invest most of their time within a certain area. After some time, they get attached to it. And when they cannot remain active within that field, due to old age or some other reason, then there is tremendous loneliness. After retirement, many sportspersons, politicians and professionals feel very lonely because they had given importance to just one fragment of life. Now, this does not mean that we should not spend our time doing things that we have a passion for, as it is wonderful to do something that one loves doing. It is natural to spend time learning a certain skill in which one is interested in. Or we may pursue a skill that helps us find a job. All this is fine. The problem starts only when the pursuit becomes a thing of the mind and we want to be at the top. This reduces the action to a limited field and leads to loneliness, dependence and attachment.

However, I do not mean that the ones who strive for excellence become lonely. If one is passionate about something, then it is natural to learn as much as possible and become more and more skillful. All this does not lead to loneliness because one has other interests in his life and does not give importance merely to one thing and ignore the other things, unless the mind interferes and becomes the controller. But, when one wants to be at the top, then the passion is not for the thing but to be superior. When the mind is caught up with something, then there is no end to this race. This reduces the activity within a limited field. When the mind, heart and body are in harmony, then there is balance, but if the mind controls everything, then there is imbalance. A person who is in harmony may be at the top or bottom: it does not matter, but he is not lonely. Similarly, a person who does not have this balance may be at the top or bottom, but he soon finds himself very lonely.

Aloneness versus Loneliness

There is sorrow and self-pity due to loneliness. But there is a difference between standing lonely and standing alone. Loneliness is painful, but aloneness is freedom from all conditioning, which brings joy. One needs strength to stand alone. When the mind has freed itself from the self or accumulated knowledge that has become a centre in the brain, then there is a state of ‘aloneness.’ Aloneness is different from loneliness. In loneliness, there is the authority of knowledge and no relationship with people or nature. There is isolation. When the ideas dominate our mind, then there is no sensitivity. However, in aloneness, there is freedom from knowledge, ego and the self. There is sensitivity in the true sense and a real relationship. Many religious people try to isolate themselves, but they are acting from the authority of their beliefs, dogmas and accumulated knowledge. They are never alone. In aloneness, there is freedom from the great burden of ideologies, and there is happiness.

There is a state of solitude, which has its importance. In solitude, one can discover the state of his loneliness. However, most of the time, we want to be with somebody and keep ourselves busy to forget or escape from our worries. But when one escapes in such a manner, then there cannot be any understanding of one’s loneliness or other problems. When the problem is really immense, then there is awareness, which comes naturally. We want to turn off the television or we ask people at home not to make too much noise, so that we can delve into the problem. Periods of quiet solitude are sometimes important to go deeper into our psychological issues.