Most of us live according to various images, which we have not only about ourselves but also about others. The others could be our parents, partner, family, friends and relatives. Now the question is, do these images bring us closer to each other or do they prevent actual observation of each other in our day-to-day life, thereby preventing actual relationships? One may argue that memory of actions and reactions from the past may help us in our relationship with others, because we can deal with them in a better way, through the already acquired knowledge of them. In this chapter, we will discuss how images are formed and how and where image formation is detrimental in our relationships with each other. We will also see where having an image may be necessary and important.

A person needs some degree of knowledge to repair a house. The doctor needs knowledge to treat his patients. A repairer can repair a house because he knows the procedure to repair and a doctor can treat his patients because he knows how different organs in our body function and how to treat them. However, in our relationship with people, things are not so simple. When we hold a certain image/knowledge of a person in our brain and deal with him according to a particular idea, then there is no relationship.

Impartial Observation

Having an image of another person means we are not looking at him totally; we are only comparing him with the image that we have of him. So, there is only partial observation, which prevents sensitivity and an actual relationship with that person. The person whom we are observing might have changed in the meantime. However, this does not mean that one should just assume that the other person must have changed or create a different or good image of a person who has not been very nice to us in the past. It is necessary to look at the person afresh because he might or might not have changed.

What is important is to have an impartial observation. This is possible only if knowledge doesn’t dictate our observation. Otherwise, there is no relationship with the other person.

How Are Images Formed?

First of all, let us see how these images are formed. We have acquired various values and morals from society and we act according to these traditions and morals. These values and traditions create our personality, which becomes an image of ourselves. If I have acquired the value of humility from my culture and make an effort to be humble, then I have already created an image about myself that I am a very humble person.

When we compare our values of humility and non-greed with the humility and non-greed of others, then we find ourselves superior or inferior to others. This becomes another image. So, comparison with others either gives a certain satisfaction of superiority or it hurts us with the feeling of inferiority. All this adds to the image we have about ourselves. However, we should not make an effort to get rid of the image of ourselves. Otherwise, this particular effort to remove all the images creates a new personality of ourselves, which becomes another image.

Once we have a certain image about ourselves, then we look at others through this image. We tend to view others through the ideals of ‘this is right’ and ‘this is wrong’ and so on, which are all part of the image. So, we compare the behaviour of people with our values, rights and wrongs, and form an image of people. We categorise people as good and bad according to our rights, wrongs and values.

When someone points out our mistakes, challenges our values, or flatters us, we are hurt by their behaviour or we are pleased and flattered. So, on the basis of this hurt or flattery from others, we form images of people and label them as good or bad. We deal with these people according to the image we have about them. We then live according to the ideas about how to deal with certain people. We try to protect ourselves from being hurt in the future, by avoiding people who have hurt us in the past or being nice and friendly to those who have flattered us. So, the relationship becomes a monotonous activity in the pursuit of pleasure and avoidance of any hurt.

I remember that once I was watching the news on television. The government had enacted a new law. The news channel had invited spokespersons of political parties for a debate on this new governmental policy. A spokesperson from an opposition party was praising this new law. However, the spokesperson from the ruling government party was condemning this spokesperson, who was actually praising the government’s stand. So, he was not looking at the situation with a free mind but was acting according to some idea and with a set frame of mind to condemn the Opposition that was not opposing this time. Perhaps he had the image that the rival party always opposed. So, even when the Opposition was not opposing but praising, he could not break out of the image he had in his mind. This may seem somewhat unusual. Or perhaps there was some other reason for such a behaviour. But the truth is we do form images and the images prevent us from looking at things clearly.

When we meet someone regularly, then naturally there is an image formed of that person in our mind, depending on his/her behaviour. Memory is natural and so is image making. It is not possible to forget the memories of some experiences. It is necessary to protect ourselves physically. Sometimes, it is necessary to keep the image of people who have seriously tried to hurt us physically. But remember, the person could have changed.

So, we must try to look at our friends, family, partners and others who are close to us and who have not tried to hurt us grievously without any image about them. This will ensure proper communion and relationship with them.

There must be intelligence in relationships. When intelligence is operating, it will tell us which image to keep and which one to discard. It might be necessary to have the image of people who are a bit dangerous, are habitual offenders or have to tried to repeatedly hurt us physically. We may want to distance ourselves from certain relationships. But if we want to have communion with others, then we should ignore the small incidents that could have been caused due to improper diet or various other reasons. Try not to create an image on the basis of minor incidents.

Physical hurt can sometimes lead to image building. There is also psychological hurt, which is not necessary and leads to an unnecessary image of the person who has caused this hurt. However, when someone’s words or behaviour causes psychological hurt, then the person is probably not fully responsible for causing this hurt. We are hurt psychologically because we hold a certain image of ourselves. We think we are somebody important or we feel we have a great personality. This image gets hurt when someone points out our mistakes or says something to damage our ego. The image can get hurt even if two people are talking to each other and appreciating a third person. When an egoistic person hears others talk about the greatness of another person, then the person’s ego gets hurt. This image is the personality created by all the values that we have acquired from our culture, society and tradition. So, the real cause of this unnecessary hurt is the image that we have created about ourselves. But if we stay with this hurt, then we will find that the root cause of it is the self, me, or ego. In this understanding, there is freedom from the self or the ego. When there is no self or ego, then we are incapable of getting hurt psychologically. This also means that there is no image formation about others unnecessarily.

Freedom from Images

We do not quarrel with each other so much if we have a similar set of values. But when our values, morals and principles do not match, then there is division, conflicts, problems and wars. If one person is free of images, but the other person has them, then there is conflict created by the person who has images. The person who is free of images may try to establish some kind of relationship with the other person. But the other person cannot have any relationship until he is free from images. So, a person who is free from images can only try to help the other person be free from his images. But only if the other person frees himself from the images, can there be a real relationship?

Now, the question that may arise here is how do these images prevent actual contact with others? If we have an image of someone and we are observing him through this image, then we are merely comparing him with the image that we hold about him. This means that there is very little contact with that person. Similarly, if the other person also looks at us through the image he has about us, he too has very little contact with us. Then there is no relationship between us.

Moreover, when two persons have different images of each other, then the difference between the ‘I’ and the ‘not I’ separates them from each other psychologically, because they are at two different levels psychologically. This means that there is a psychological space between them, even though they may be sitting next to each other or holding each other’s hands.

It is important to understand that if we have no image about ourselves, then we don’t look at others through any image. Hence, there is no image formation of another person. But when we compare our image with other people’s behaviour (this comparison includes the rights, wrongs, ideals and morals), we create an image ‘you’ about the others. When both of us are free of the images about each other, then there is actual contact, sensitivity, relationship and love.

Forgiveness

There is also the question of forgiveness. A lot of research has been done on the benefits of forgiveness. According to various experts, if we carry on with hurt inside and consequently keep the pot of anger boiling, then it has a negative impact on us psychologically. Now, if there is no image, then there is no psychological hurt. Also, if there is no storing of anger that arises from physical hurt, then there is no need for forgiveness. At the time of physical hurt, one has to do whatever one can do to protect herself. When the anger piles up after the incident, then it becomes a problem. Perhaps, there would be not much storing of anger if one sees that the person who creates unnecessary conflict, due to his ideologies and ideals, is a victim of culture and propaganda, and is not a bad or wrong person.